To my friends,
You may think that this is a little melodramatic, but I want to take this opportunity to apologize and to thank you. I recently attended one of our best friend’s weddings and pretty much every person that I consider a friend was there. A small few I’ve known since elementary school, my closest friends from middle school and high school, and yet even more close friends from college. If there was just one time that we would all come and be together again this was it, and I’m grateful to have been there for it.
However short I was actually there anyway. Knowing that so much people who I hadn’t seen in a long time would be there, I planned to stay on the sober side and fully live in the moment and the experience of such a special event. Unfortunately, I rode the tidal wave of excitement and energy right through the open bar and glass after glass of crown and coke, and found myself suddenly making an early exit back to my room.
The next morning I found myself waking up in the most comfortable bed that I have ever slept in. But the comfort of that bed could not settle the uncomfortable reality that I was facing. I had planned to fully experience that night with all of you but failed to make the decisions and exercise the control that would’ve allowed me to do so. Like many other times before. And as I texted everyone with the hopes that we would all cruise at the pool together that day only to learn that you had other plans, it hit me that only God knows if and when we’ll have this golden opportunity again.
So if I never get the chance to tell you in person, thank you and I’m sorry. Thank you for accepting me at times when I couldn’t accept myself. I’ve never actually opened up and talked to any of you about the insecurity and anxiety that I grew up with, but it’s taken me until very recently to even slightly overcome that fear of not fitting in with you. From when I first met you until now I’ve had to battle feelings of inadequacy and even envy and it has manifested itself in a multitude of ways that may not be big deals to you but that I have deep regret for. You’ve all been the best friends that I could have ever wished for and despite having taken it for granted in the past, I am grateful that you have continued to share your friendship with me.
It’s not an excuse but my insecurity is often why I’ve withdrawn from hanging out with you over the years and I apologize for that. I won’t go into too much detail about my past but I hope you can understand that most recently I’ve stepped away for extended periods of time to find out who I am and learn how to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m better for it now and my goal is to make more of a concerted effort to keep in touch and hang out. I went to a Christmas party this past year and the Grandpa of the host family had just passed away. His grandson gave a touching thank you speech and the main takeaway was that year after year, this Christmas party doesn’t just happen. It happens because people make the conscious decision to show up and be a part of it.
I’m not sure how many opportunities we have left to be together and make memories. But whether it’s another epic wedding or a backyard barbecue I can be sure that I will make the best efforts I can to show up and be a part of it. Thank you for your gift of friendship.
Love,
Jeiv